Heart Broken!

  Today is one of those days that I just have that sick, sad feeling in my stomach.  I am the type that wants to always look at the bright side of things.  I am torn about writing this blog.....I don't want to scare people but I want to be honest.  This last week went as perfect as perfect could go with my family.  Thomas was a fully blended part of the family.  We went on a family trip last weekend and had a blast.  This week we did find out that more then likely Thomas would be returning to his bio-dad but definitely not his bio-mom. This made me sad but I do know that Thomas truly wants to be with his bio Dad so I knew when the day came to say goodbye I would be able to fully encourage and except it.  I couldn't help but truly love him as my own though.  We built trust with each other. 

  Last night my bio son told me some shocking information that devastated my husband and I to the core.  We found out that Thomas had learned some very inappropriate behaviors from his past (abusive) homes. Something that my husband and I had agreed from the beginning was a deal breaker.  It was no longer safe for Thomas to live with younger kids or for our kids to live with him.  I have never seen my husband cry the way he did last night.   The images of last night our haunting my mind today.  Thinking of telling him I loved him and why it was better for him to go to a different home, carrying him out to the car as he hugged me so tight and putting him in the car.  I didn't know the right words to say to him.  All I could muster was "bye sweetie". I am happy that my son is innocent and didn't think much of what happened.  We had to find a new home for Thomas.  I hate that we had to do that.  I was fully prepared to fight to the death for this new man in my life.  My number one priority is to protect Thomas, Jackson and Ayla.  This was the best and only option we had. 

Today the house feels to big without him. The kids miss him terribly.  How scary for Thomas to go to another home in such a hurry.  He was taught the behaviors.  He was just an innocent child himself.  He was abused.  It isn't fair what this child has suffered at the hands of adults that he trusted.  All I keep thinking about is I hope his new home is safe and good for him.  I hope he gets the help and love he needs. He can't handle any more moves.  I also keep thinking....what if his Dad messes up again and totally looses any chance of custody.  Who will adopt a 9 year old boy with a bad history?  He could age out of the system never having a permanent home.  I truly love him...yet because I have other children I can't care for him the way he needs to be cared for.

I keep thinking about why God would have this happen.  Everything was going to well. This was the last thing I would have suspected.  These behaviors he had, had never been noticed before by any previous homes and the fact that my son reports any and everything to me really might save this boys life. Now hopefully he will get the help he really needs and his bio brothers and sisters will get the help they need. The sooner this is addressed for him the better.  I am so thankful my son was brave enough to talk to us about it before something devastating happened.  In this case we are very lucky.  I don't want those of you reading this to be discouraged from adoption.  He was a blessing to have in my life for the time he was here. We still desperately want to adopt.  I think we will be much more cautious now...choosing kids that are more in our kids age group.  I wanted to try the older kids because they have a much smaller chance of being adopted compared to the little ones.  I am still absolutely sure that there are older kids in the foster care system who would be perfectly safe to have in our home. But, with us having little ones still we have to wait for them to grow up a little more before bringing in an older kid.  So for now we wait and see if we can get a match with some younger kids.  Please pray for Thomas and pray for my family as we all have a very fresh wound that needs time to heal.  So for now it is back to the four of us waiting to see what God has in store for us on our journey.