Shine!

 I haven't posted for awhile because we were busy doing respite care for the last 10 days.  We got the call right after we got home from a long weekend out of town and my son was dealing with a stomach bug.  It was for a teenage {mom} and her baby.  I really wanted an out. We were tired, unorganized and trying to get caught up.  I asked several questions...mainly about safety concerns with her being around my kids.  Everything I heard was that she was extremely responsible and only needed a place to stay while her foster mom went on a vacation.  We agreed. We couldn't come up with a good enough reason to say no.  I knew we could show them love and they needed a place stay. How could I say no? She walked into my house with such a beautiful smile full of excitement.  How scary for her only having hours to prepare her and her baby to come to a complete strangers house for 10 days.  She is so much stronger then I will ever be.  We immediately loved her and her baby.  Over the days she told me agonizing stories...stories that make me sick. Stories I honestly didn't want to hear.  Stories that nobody should ever have to live through. I could tell though that she had a life full of people that didn't want to listen, that didn't want to see her.  She really desperately wanted to be seen and heard.  I listened.  I looked deep into her tortured eyes and saw her.  The love and care that she gave to her baby blew me away.  She took better care of her baby then some of my adult mom friends {seriously}.  Even though her life was full of disappointment, torture, neglect and abandonment she still had a beautiful sole and so much gentle love to give.   So tonight was the night I had to return her to her foster mom.  She begged until the last second to stay with us.  She so desperately wanted to be part of our family.  I do not think her other foster family is abusive in any way but she really bonded with us.  She is in a different school system then we live, it is the middle of the school year and her and her baby would be taking the room that we made for our adoptive children.  So if they moved in we wouldn't be able to adopt.  She is not adoptable she will be returning to one of her bio parents in Febuary [maybe].  I don't even think her social worker would approve the move but I can't help but feel like I abandoned them when I dropped them off.  That is how her eyes made me feel.  She called me a couple hours after I dropped them off just to tell me that when her baby woke up from her nap she crawled around crying and looking for us.  I could tell over the phone that she had been crying herself.  Maybe this is a feeling I will have after every placement in my home but I really feel that I need to do something more.  My heart doesn't feel at peace.  I don't know what God wants us to do but I am praying that we will know soon.  I feel that we are the only ones in this world that see her potential, see her succesful future.  I don't think she had even thought of her future until we talked to her about it.  I don't want her to remain unseen and unheard in this world.  Proverbs 24:12 says "Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act."

I want her to shine!

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