Shine!

 I haven't posted for awhile because we were busy doing respite care for the last 10 days.  We got the call right after we got home from a long weekend out of town and my son was dealing with a stomach bug.  It was for a teenage {mom} and her baby.  I really wanted an out. We were tired, unorganized and trying to get caught up.  I asked several questions...mainly about safety concerns with her being around my kids.  Everything I heard was that she was extremely responsible and only needed a place to stay while her foster mom went on a vacation.  We agreed. We couldn't come up with a good enough reason to say no.  I knew we could show them love and they needed a place stay. How could I say no? She walked into my house with such a beautiful smile full of excitement.  How scary for her only having hours to prepare her and her baby to come to a complete strangers house for 10 days.  She is so much stronger then I will ever be.  We immediately loved her and her baby.  Over the days she told me agonizing stories...stories that make me sick. Stories I honestly didn't want to hear.  Stories that nobody should ever have to live through. I could tell though that she had a life full of people that didn't want to listen, that didn't want to see her.  She really desperately wanted to be seen and heard.  I listened.  I looked deep into her tortured eyes and saw her.  The love and care that she gave to her baby blew me away.  She took better care of her baby then some of my adult mom friends {seriously}.  Even though her life was full of disappointment, torture, neglect and abandonment she still had a beautiful sole and so much gentle love to give.   So tonight was the night I had to return her to her foster mom.  She begged until the last second to stay with us.  She so desperately wanted to be part of our family.  I do not think her other foster family is abusive in any way but she really bonded with us.  She is in a different school system then we live, it is the middle of the school year and her and her baby would be taking the room that we made for our adoptive children.  So if they moved in we wouldn't be able to adopt.  She is not adoptable she will be returning to one of her bio parents in Febuary [maybe].  I don't even think her social worker would approve the move but I can't help but feel like I abandoned them when I dropped them off.  That is how her eyes made me feel.  She called me a couple hours after I dropped them off just to tell me that when her baby woke up from her nap she crawled around crying and looking for us.  I could tell over the phone that she had been crying herself.  Maybe this is a feeling I will have after every placement in my home but I really feel that I need to do something more.  My heart doesn't feel at peace.  I don't know what God wants us to do but I am praying that we will know soon.  I feel that we are the only ones in this world that see her potential, see her succesful future.  I don't think she had even thought of her future until we talked to her about it.  I don't want her to remain unseen and unheard in this world.  Proverbs 24:12 says "Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act."

I want her to shine!

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Patience

  Waiting for a call...waiting for an answer....waiting to be matched.   I have been so busy searching for my children.  Hoping they will be here soon.  Feeling so blessed with my life and enjoying what I already have!

{Can't wait to see what comes next}

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Heart Broken!

  Today is one of those days that I just have that sick, sad feeling in my stomach.  I am the type that wants to always look at the bright side of things.  I am torn about writing this blog.....I don't want to scare people but I want to be honest.  This last week went as perfect as perfect could go with my family.  Thomas was a fully blended part of the family.  We went on a family trip last weekend and had a blast.  This week we did find out that more then likely Thomas would be returning to his bio-dad but definitely not his bio-mom. This made me sad but I do know that Thomas truly wants to be with his bio Dad so I knew when the day came to say goodbye I would be able to fully encourage and except it.  I couldn't help but truly love him as my own though.  We built trust with each other. 

  Last night my bio son told me some shocking information that devastated my husband and I to the core.  We found out that Thomas had learned some very inappropriate behaviors from his past (abusive) homes. Something that my husband and I had agreed from the beginning was a deal breaker.  It was no longer safe for Thomas to live with younger kids or for our kids to live with him.  I have never seen my husband cry the way he did last night.   The images of last night our haunting my mind today.  Thinking of telling him I loved him and why it was better for him to go to a different home, carrying him out to the car as he hugged me so tight and putting him in the car.  I didn't know the right words to say to him.  All I could muster was "bye sweetie". I am happy that my son is innocent and didn't think much of what happened.  We had to find a new home for Thomas.  I hate that we had to do that.  I was fully prepared to fight to the death for this new man in my life.  My number one priority is to protect Thomas, Jackson and Ayla.  This was the best and only option we had. 

Today the house feels to big without him. The kids miss him terribly.  How scary for Thomas to go to another home in such a hurry.  He was taught the behaviors.  He was just an innocent child himself.  He was abused.  It isn't fair what this child has suffered at the hands of adults that he trusted.  All I keep thinking about is I hope his new home is safe and good for him.  I hope he gets the help and love he needs. He can't handle any more moves.  I also keep thinking....what if his Dad messes up again and totally looses any chance of custody.  Who will adopt a 9 year old boy with a bad history?  He could age out of the system never having a permanent home.  I truly love him...yet because I have other children I can't care for him the way he needs to be cared for.

I keep thinking about why God would have this happen.  Everything was going to well. This was the last thing I would have suspected.  These behaviors he had, had never been noticed before by any previous homes and the fact that my son reports any and everything to me really might save this boys life. Now hopefully he will get the help he really needs and his bio brothers and sisters will get the help they need. The sooner this is addressed for him the better.  I am so thankful my son was brave enough to talk to us about it before something devastating happened.  In this case we are very lucky.  I don't want those of you reading this to be discouraged from adoption.  He was a blessing to have in my life for the time he was here. We still desperately want to adopt.  I think we will be much more cautious now...choosing kids that are more in our kids age group.  I wanted to try the older kids because they have a much smaller chance of being adopted compared to the little ones.  I am still absolutely sure that there are older kids in the foster care system who would be perfectly safe to have in our home. But, with us having little ones still we have to wait for them to grow up a little more before bringing in an older kid.  So for now we wait and see if we can get a match with some younger kids.  Please pray for Thomas and pray for my family as we all have a very fresh wound that needs time to heal.  So for now it is back to the four of us waiting to see what God has in store for us on our journey.

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A Rainbow!

Something you miss out on when you add an older child to the family is being there for their {firsts}. Well God showed me that I have many, many firsts with Thomas.  We spotted this beautiful rainbow and I talked to the kids about God's promise. Thomas had never heard of Noah.

How lucky was I to be able to share it with him

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A little over a week!

Wow this week! Wow! Busy, Busy but oh so perfect. Lots of baseball, soccer, swimming, shopping, having friends over, going to friends. And finally feeling settled.  Jackson and Thomas are like full on brother's already. The honeymoon period didn't last long. They get jealous and competitive of each other yet love each other at the same time.  It really feels like Thomas was just meant to be here.  Hearing the three of them playing together melts me.  To think we would have almost missed him if we had gotten licensed one month later. Our age group was 3-8 and he is turning 9 next month.  I am really starting to like the idea of an older child.  He likes to do everything for himself, he is so helpful yet likes to be babied.  So those of you thinking of adopting and just wanting babies these older kids are incredible also. I am so in love and this transition has been so much easier then expected. 

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Tomorrow!

I am so excited! We are having a precious boy move in with us tomorrow. Doing all the last minute things to feel ready. It will be so different from bringing a baby home from the hospital.  I hope that he feels at home with us and that we can be just what he needs and wants. I don't know how long he will be in our lives but I know it will be God's timing. I already know he is smart and beautiful and we are lucky to have him. The peace I feel is indescribable and I hope that he feels it to.  He has an extended family here ready to embrace him. Here are some goofy pictures of the kids and my Dad on Memorial Day. They crack me up. I would have to say my Dad is definitely ready for more grand-kids.  He is so great at showing God's love.

Jackson changed out of his clothes and into his [2 ] sizes to small pajamas for this "battle"

I think the kids won

Lots and lots of other children are out there that I am praying for.  Some others that look like adoption placements. I have been praying and talking with my husband a lot this week about moving to a house that has a better layout with more space for more kids. Ready to change our lives. Our lives are not our own to live, they are God's.  We are here....ready!

But my life is worth nothing unless I use it for doing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus- the work of telling others the Good News about God's wonderful kindness and love. Act 20:24

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Finally!

After waiting and waiting patiently [mostly]. Our house was finally put on the open and available status for foster and adoptive placements.  We got 3 different calls in only 4 days. I have been chomping at the bits feeling like there are all these kids who need help...let me help...why aren't you letting me help....we have been ready and waiting.  It is God's time.  I believe we will have a full house soon. Through the calls I have learned so much about how God has changed my husbands heart.  I have always been the more "open minded" one of the two of us. He set an age group and really wanted to stick with it 3-8. Which I do feel that this age group would be best for everyone since we are 28 and 30 and we don't want to be too close in age to our adoptive kids, but we got a call for a teenage girl and her baby.  I immediately turned it down without asking very many questions. When I got off the phone, my husband said "maybe we can help her, she might have no where else to go, lets call back and ask more questions". So we did. We did realize that she was already staying with someone and it wasn't an emergency situation and that if she moved in we wouldn't be able to take our adoptive placements. So I felt peace. If I wouldn't have called back it would still be eating me inside.  Then Eli said "whoever God puts in front of us we can help".  Wow not the same husband! So then we talked about getting a different house that can accommodate us to help more people.  So pray for us.....we are ready to change everything.  Just waiting for God to tell us who, what, where and when.  I found this on someone else's blog but I thought it was really powerful and I wanted to share it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoicm4wnQ4c

Also a little side note....I am so very proud of Jackson! We had a little girl stay with us for the day so that her foster parent's could get a break.  Jackson understood that this girl had a rough life and what being a foster kid meant. He always prays with me for the kids. As you know kids are so selfish. They have there prize possessions and for the most part they think the world revolves around them. He has this doodle board which he is the only one "aloud" to touch it.  He has never willingly let his sister use it, or even his friends for that matter. As soon as we introduced him to the girl he ran off, grabbed his doodle board and handed it to her. She would have never even known that it existed. He said "here you go you can use this whenever you want"! I know this won't always be the case and my kids will probably need lots of encouragement sharing there mom, dad and toys with others. Eli and I were almost brought to tears by this.  If the only thing I am able to teach him is to put others before himself and to love orphans...I will be a very proud Mama!

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Someone who inspires me!

  I am only at the very beginning of my adoption journey and I have already had several things get to me and try to bring me down. When Eli and I went to get our physicals for the adoption the doctor said "why are you adopting aren't those your two kids right there"? You already have a boy and a girl why would you want more? He looked at us like we were crazy. We have had lots of crazy looks, lots of people that just wonder what we are thinking. I have had all kinds of horror stories told to me about how horrible these foster/adopt kids will be.  Don't get me wrong I think that it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done.  There are circumstances were a child might live with us that we think will be adoptable and then a relative may come forth and we have to give the child back.  Legally a child has to live with us for 6 months before the court will finalize the adoption. That part will be hard on my heart I know. I feel it is worth getting my heart broken. It scares me more all the stories I hear of children who never got adopted and on graduation day they have no one there for them. It is not fair to turn our back on all these orphans just because some of them messed up. We need to remember all the stories of bravery that some of these kids have shown and all the obstacles that they have had to overcome.  So yes I know it will be challenging but I also think it will be extremely rewarding and I know I am going to learn so much from these kids and myself as I go through the journey. God knows who belongs in our home who is right for us. I just have to trust him so I am going to jump because I know he will catch me.

  I have done a lot of research about this adoption process and I stumbled upon this video. At first I thought these children were just actors...unfortunately they are not. This is a real video that these kids made to encourage people to adopt. One of the girls in the video actually speaks at church's to encourage people and to talk about how adoption made such a difference in her life and about how God healed these kids.  The bravery and strength that these beautiful kids have shown amazes me. They are all brothers and sisters now. They were adopted by a single mother. She adopted 7. She is a beautiful self sacrificing person that has been very encouraging to me in my adoption process. Her name in Heather and we need more people like her. She is in Haiti right now helping in the orphanages.  She is so busy yet she takes the time to encourage me and wants to know every step of my adoption process. Watch this video..it will break your heart but it will encourage you at the same time. Just click on the link.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjRo3IJaIQg&feature=email

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So this is my first blog... not quite sure how to go about it. I wanted to start a blog because I have been so touched and encouraged by other peoples blogs. So I decided to put myself out there and I hope to be encouraged and I hope to be encouraging. So my life has radically changed in the last 6 months. I literally am not the same person I was 6 months ago and my husband is not the same person he was 6 months ago. Our focus has changed.

I started out an innocent, sweet, extremely giving person ready to serve any and everyone who came my way[as i think most people start out in this world]. I had dreams when I was a kid that when I grew up I would travel the world and take care of orphans. I even did go on a couple of trips to Mexico and Cambodia to help the orphans [that was me that was my passion] slowly through the years I had been mistreated, hurt and started to build up layers to protect myself. This changed who I was. So I started giving less, smiling less and becoming more selfish. Self consumed just "trying to keep up with the jones's" as they say. I started loosing me, the real Rachel, the one that God had so many plans for. I was hiding under all those layers, protecting myself trying to be who everyone else expected me to be. I have always cared way to much about whether others like me or not when I should have been focusing on what God thought of me. That is all that really matters in the end. I got so self consumed in my own problems that I didn't see all the people that needed me.

I have changed. God has changed me. I have taken the layers of hurt off. God says love your enemy, serve others [strangers] as you would serve him, take care of widows and orphans. How many Christians do you see doing these things. Unfortunately Christians are mostly known for judging, gossiping[things I am guilty of] when we should be known for our love, compassion and joy. I will never be perfect but now I am living my life with intention and purpose. I can honestly say that I have never been so happy, so peaceful, so blessed and so in love with my husband since I have made these changes in my self. For those of you who read this and don't believe in God, you should change your intention. Show more love, don't judge and don't worry about what others think of you and you will feel such a peace inside. If you go back in time to before you were hurt, before you put up your wall and mistrust for people. Just love people expecting nothing in return then you won't be so disappointed. Remember people who are mean are usually just hurting.

Now as for my new minivan some of you may have wondered what I meant by filling the seats. Eli and I have decided to adopt. Adoption had always been on the back burner for us mostly my back burner. I always felt someone was missing after I had Ayla but I had no desire to be pregnant again. After we saw the suffering in Haiti, Eli said to me "we have to do something about all those children who were orphaned". After doing some research we realized there are so many orphans right here in America that need a home. I think adopting from anywhere is important but to adopt from America is what felt right to us. And maybe one day we will adopt internationally also. So we have finished all our requirements to foster/adopt. Physicals, paperwork, tb tests and our homestudy. We even decorated the room and set up bunkbeds. We would like to adopt a sibling group of 1-3 kids ages 2-8. I am so excited and nervous I honestly feel the same way I felt when I was pregnant minus the fatique and morning sickness. There will be a huge adjustment period just like when I brought my kids home from the hospital except these kids will come with a personality, with fear with mistrust. I can't wait to teach them trust, show them love and make them a part of our family. We just have to wait a couple of weeks for our backround check to come back and then we could be placed anytime. I am already in love and praying for them. I have so much more to say about this but this entry is already to long so I will post it later. If you have adopted from the foster care system or if you have any questions for me I would love to hear what you have to say.

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