Shine!

 I haven't posted for awhile because we were busy doing respite care for the last 10 days.  We got the call right after we got home from a long weekend out of town and my son was dealing with a stomach bug.  It was for a teenage {mom} and her baby.  I really wanted an out. We were tired, unorganized and trying to get caught up.  I asked several questions...mainly about safety concerns with her being around my kids.  Everything I heard was that she was extremely responsible and only needed a place to stay while her foster mom went on a vacation.  We agreed. We couldn't come up with a good enough reason to say no.  I knew we could show them love and they needed a place stay. How could I say no? She walked into my house with such a beautiful smile full of excitement.  How scary for her only having hours to prepare her and her baby to come to a complete strangers house for 10 days.  She is so much stronger then I will ever be.  We immediately loved her and her baby.  Over the days she told me agonizing stories...stories that make me sick. Stories I honestly didn't want to hear.  Stories that nobody should ever have to live through. I could tell though that she had a life full of people that didn't want to listen, that didn't want to see her.  She really desperately wanted to be seen and heard.  I listened.  I looked deep into her tortured eyes and saw her.  The love and care that she gave to her baby blew me away.  She took better care of her baby then some of my adult mom friends {seriously}.  Even though her life was full of disappointment, torture, neglect and abandonment she still had a beautiful sole and so much gentle love to give.   So tonight was the night I had to return her to her foster mom.  She begged until the last second to stay with us.  She so desperately wanted to be part of our family.  I do not think her other foster family is abusive in any way but she really bonded with us.  She is in a different school system then we live, it is the middle of the school year and her and her baby would be taking the room that we made for our adoptive children.  So if they moved in we wouldn't be able to adopt.  She is not adoptable she will be returning to one of her bio parents in Febuary [maybe].  I don't even think her social worker would approve the move but I can't help but feel like I abandoned them when I dropped them off.  That is how her eyes made me feel.  She called me a couple hours after I dropped them off just to tell me that when her baby woke up from her nap she crawled around crying and looking for us.  I could tell over the phone that she had been crying herself.  Maybe this is a feeling I will have after every placement in my home but I really feel that I need to do something more.  My heart doesn't feel at peace.  I don't know what God wants us to do but I am praying that we will know soon.  I feel that we are the only ones in this world that see her potential, see her succesful future.  I don't think she had even thought of her future until we talked to her about it.  I don't want her to remain unseen and unheard in this world.  Proverbs 24:12 says "Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act."

I want her to shine!

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Patience

  Waiting for a call...waiting for an answer....waiting to be matched.   I have been so busy searching for my children.  Hoping they will be here soon.  Feeling so blessed with my life and enjoying what I already have!

{Can't wait to see what comes next}

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Why do they have to grow!

The day she was born...what a beautiful baby

{The easiest baby I could have ever imagined}

She just turned 3 on Sunday

She is a sassy, nature loving, creative, girlie, daring, independent and beautiful gift from God.  I can't wait to see what else I get to learn about her!

 Did I mention that Jackson also started kindergarten this week?!

Boo! They grow way to fast!

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Refreshed!

We got away

We laughed

We played

We prayed

And most importantly

we healed

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Sometimes!

Sometimes

you just need

a tea party

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Do you wonder why you have to,

feel the things that hurt you,

if there's a God who loves you,

where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see

and all those things are happening

to bring a better ending

some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends

and you know where you're going,

you just don't know how you get there

so just say a prayer.

and hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,

life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,

but you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the dark before the morning

yeah, yeah,

before the morning,

yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory

once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory

memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the hurt before the healing

the pain you've been feeling,

just the dark before the morning

before the morning, yeah, yeah

before the morning

Christian lyrics - BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON

{This is the song that I woke up to.  Feeling all the prayers.  I woke up full of hope and peace!  Praise God!}

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Heart Broken!

  Today is one of those days that I just have that sick, sad feeling in my stomach.  I am the type that wants to always look at the bright side of things.  I am torn about writing this blog.....I don't want to scare people but I want to be honest.  This last week went as perfect as perfect could go with my family.  Thomas was a fully blended part of the family.  We went on a family trip last weekend and had a blast.  This week we did find out that more then likely Thomas would be returning to his bio-dad but definitely not his bio-mom. This made me sad but I do know that Thomas truly wants to be with his bio Dad so I knew when the day came to say goodbye I would be able to fully encourage and except it.  I couldn't help but truly love him as my own though.  We built trust with each other. 

  Last night my bio son told me some shocking information that devastated my husband and I to the core.  We found out that Thomas had learned some very inappropriate behaviors from his past (abusive) homes. Something that my husband and I had agreed from the beginning was a deal breaker.  It was no longer safe for Thomas to live with younger kids or for our kids to live with him.  I have never seen my husband cry the way he did last night.   The images of last night our haunting my mind today.  Thinking of telling him I loved him and why it was better for him to go to a different home, carrying him out to the car as he hugged me so tight and putting him in the car.  I didn't know the right words to say to him.  All I could muster was "bye sweetie". I am happy that my son is innocent and didn't think much of what happened.  We had to find a new home for Thomas.  I hate that we had to do that.  I was fully prepared to fight to the death for this new man in my life.  My number one priority is to protect Thomas, Jackson and Ayla.  This was the best and only option we had. 

Today the house feels to big without him. The kids miss him terribly.  How scary for Thomas to go to another home in such a hurry.  He was taught the behaviors.  He was just an innocent child himself.  He was abused.  It isn't fair what this child has suffered at the hands of adults that he trusted.  All I keep thinking about is I hope his new home is safe and good for him.  I hope he gets the help and love he needs. He can't handle any more moves.  I also keep thinking....what if his Dad messes up again and totally looses any chance of custody.  Who will adopt a 9 year old boy with a bad history?  He could age out of the system never having a permanent home.  I truly love him...yet because I have other children I can't care for him the way he needs to be cared for.

I keep thinking about why God would have this happen.  Everything was going to well. This was the last thing I would have suspected.  These behaviors he had, had never been noticed before by any previous homes and the fact that my son reports any and everything to me really might save this boys life. Now hopefully he will get the help he really needs and his bio brothers and sisters will get the help they need. The sooner this is addressed for him the better.  I am so thankful my son was brave enough to talk to us about it before something devastating happened.  In this case we are very lucky.  I don't want those of you reading this to be discouraged from adoption.  He was a blessing to have in my life for the time he was here. We still desperately want to adopt.  I think we will be much more cautious now...choosing kids that are more in our kids age group.  I wanted to try the older kids because they have a much smaller chance of being adopted compared to the little ones.  I am still absolutely sure that there are older kids in the foster care system who would be perfectly safe to have in our home. But, with us having little ones still we have to wait for them to grow up a little more before bringing in an older kid.  So for now we wait and see if we can get a match with some younger kids.  Please pray for Thomas and pray for my family as we all have a very fresh wound that needs time to heal.  So for now it is back to the four of us waiting to see what God has in store for us on our journey.

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